How Many Times
by Meg0613
Summary: At the beginning of Twenty Five Acts when Barba's name is mentioned it's obvious that Olivia knows who he is. This is a story about how and when they might have met before and how that might have effected their relationship in the future.
1. Chapter 1

How Many Times

July 3rd, 2009

"Tell me why I am here again, Alex?" Olivia asked as they removed their bags from the back of Alex's car. They had just pulled up in front of one of the largest homes Olivia had ever seen. They were in the Hamptons at the home of Alex's friends from Harvard Nancy and Anthony. She knew that Nancy was in cooperate law and that Anthony was an investment banker, both very successful based on the outside of their summer home.

"You are here to relax and have fun Liv, and maybe meet someone." Alex explained her annoyance growing at her friend.

"It's going to be a weekend full of lawyers and I don't date lawyers remember." Olivia pointed out.

"Well, maybe it's time you reexamined that standard, besides Anthony is an investment banker, I'm sure he will have a few work friends here." Alex laughed.

"Oh joy." Olivia muttered dryly.

"Alex, welcome!" A woman called from the front door.

"Nancy!" Alex replies moving quickly to hug her old friend.

"You must be Olivia, I am so glad you could join us this weekend." Nancy greeted her shaking her hand.

"Thank you so much for the invitation." Olivia replied hoping she sounded sincere.

Nancy showed them to their rooms, "Please make yourself completely at home, Anthony is out on the boat and I need to make a quick run into town but please let one of the staff know if you need anything. We are having a low country boil at seven, until then relax and enjoy."

They both thanked their hostess and walked into their rooms, "You heard the woman relax and enjoy yourself Liv, I think I'm going to take a much needed nap, see you in a little while." Alex told her before heading into her room.

Olivia nodded as she looked around her room for the weekend that was larger than her first apartment. She made her way in set her bag on the bed and made her way to the window. She was pleasantly surprised to find a small balcony overlooking the beach. She breathed in the fresh salty air and decided that this was in fact better than spending the holiday weekend in the hot and crowded city. There was a pool between the house and the beach so she decided she would change and relax in the sun for a bit.

She had been sitting by the pool for a little while half way reading a book when she heard to male voices coming up from the beach. She looked up from behind her book when she noticed they were speaking Spanish, she recognized the taller of the two men from pictures in the house as her host for the weekend. The second man was slightly shorter, probably about her height she would guess, he was wearing crisp khaki shorts and a salmon colored polo shirt, but still looked somewhat wind-blown from the boat. The men must have sensed her watching them because they stopped their conversation and looked in her direction.

"Hi, you must be Alex's friend, welcome I am Anthony." He greeted her walking over to her chair.

Olivia stood up from her chair hoping her black swimsuit moved properly in the process, meeting people in a swimsuit for the first time was a bit awkward.

"Hi, I am Olivia, it's nice to meet you." She said shaking his hand, "Thank you so much for having me this weekend."  
"It's our pleasure, I'm glad to see you enjoying yourself." He told her.

Olivia turned her attention to the other man who was standing before her, he was in fact her height and more well-built than she had initially assessed. Things grew momentarily uncomfortable when they both realized the other was looking them over. He offered her a slight smirk and she could not tell was embarrassment or cockiness before removing his sunglasses revealing the most piercing green eyes that Olivia had ever seen.

"Hi, I am Rafael." He introduced himself offering her his hand.

"Olivia" Was all she was able to say as she found herself completely memorized by his eyes and the surge of electricity that passed between their hands. Eventually she regained her composure and removed her hand from his. "I should go get ready for dinner."

"See you then" Rafael told her with a smile.

BarsonBarsonBarsonBarson

"Liv, you ready?" Alex asked coming through the bathroom that separated their bedrooms.

Olivia was checking her reflection in the mirror she was wearing a white sundress that stopped a couple of inched above her knees, she had pulled her hair back but left a few pieces falling around her face. As she looked at herself in the mirror she could almost see Rafael's green eyes staring back at her.

"Yes, I think so." She responded. "Hey Alex, do you know Anthony's friend Rafael?" She asked trying to appear casual.

Alex looked at her friend in disbelief for a minute, "Rafael Barba?" She asked

Olivia shrugged, "I guess so, I didn't catch his last name."

Alex smiled, "Sure, he and Anthony grew up together in the Bronx and we were all at Harvard at the same time,"

Olivia nodded, "So he and Anthony were in business school together?"

Alex smirked, "No, he was in law school with me and Nancy. Liv he's an ADA in Brooklyn."

"Damn, of course he is." Olivia shook her head.

"Like I said before, maybe it's time to reexamine your rule." Alex reminded her.

The two women joined their hosts and the rest of the guest under a large tent just off the beach where music played softly and everyone was mingling. They were walking towards the bar when they heard a voice Olivia recognize from earlier.

"Alex Cabot!" Rafael called out.

"Rafael, how are you? How is Brooklyn?" She asked.

"You know, probably the same as Manhattan, just without Jack McCoy." Rafael replied.

"I hear you and Olivia met earlier." Alex said with a smirk.

There was no missing the slight bit of pleasure in his smile this time as Olivia silently cursed her friend.  
"We did, but not completely, Rafael Barba, and as you have probably already gathered Assistant District Attorney in Brooklyn." He said with an out stretched hand.

"Olivia Benson" She said purposefully avoiding what she did but Alex was having none of it.

"That's Detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU." She filled in.

Barba nodded, "Well then Olivia, I can assume that you don't want to spend your Fourth of July weekend talking about work anymore than I do."

Olivia was drawn in by the sound of her name on his lips and she felt herself relax slightly, "No, definitely not."

"How about a drink then?" He offered, "If I can kick the bartender out I make a pretty decent mojito."

"That sounds nice, thank you." She agreed, taking the offer of his arm casting a glance back at Alex who already moving on to catch up with some other friends.

When they reached the bar Rafael spoke in Spanish to the bartender and made quick work behind the bar preparing their drinks. He handed Olivia one with a smile, "Enjoy"

She took a tentative sip, "Wow, that's really good. Did you work your way through Harvard as a bartender?"

Rafael laughed, "No, my grandparents came from Cuba I've been making these since before I could legally drink them."

Olivia nodded, "Well they taught you well."

"Ok, so far you know far more about me than I do you. Where did you grow up? He asked her.

"Actually in Manhattan, my mother was an English professor." She offered thankful when he didn't ask further.  
"And where did you got to school before the Academy?"

"Siena College, I actually thought briefly about law school but wanted to actually work for a living," She teased.

"Ouch, we just met and that's how you treat me?" He feigned being insulted but his eyes were smiling.

Rafael was a perfect companion for the evening, he seemed to know most of the other guest and introduced her and saved her from more than one uncomfortable conversation when people learned that she was with SVU. At one point when another guy would not take the hint that she didn't want to discuss it she felt his hand on her back.

"Excuse us, Olivia promised me a dance." He said not waiting for anyone to reply as he gently wrapped an arm around her waist and led her to the dance floor.

"Thank you" She told him as placed one hand on his shoulder and the other inside his free hand and he drew it back to his chest, he held her softly but at a distance that didn't impose on her.

"Do you get that a lot?" He asked her.

"Too much, I love what I do because it is important but I have too much respect for the victims to talk about them for entertainment purposes."

"Completely understandable." He agreed and a comfortable silence fell between them as they slowly swayed to the music.

A pretty decent eighties cover band was playing on the stage near the dance floor much to the delight of the crowd who were happily reliving their high school and early college years. Olivia found herself unusually relaxed in Rafael's arms and made no attempt at moving when the first song ended and a new one began, allowing him to hold her slightly closer as the song began.

So long

I've been looking too hard, I've waiting too long

Sometimes I don't know what I will find

I only know it's a matter of time

When you love someone

When you love someone

It feels so right, so warm and true

I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I'm wrong

Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong

This heart of mine has been hurt before

This time I want be sure

He moved back slightly and looked at her, "Would you like to go sailing tomorrow?" Suddenly he realized that he might sound to forward, "I mean you and Alex both if you want."

Olivia smiled realizing that he wasn't quiet as sure of himself as he pretended, "That sounds nice."

As the second song ended they realized that they were some of the last few in the tent.

"I didn't realize that it had gotten so late, you want to head back to the house?" He asked her.

"We probably should before Alex gets the wrong idea and I never hear the end of it." Olivia laughed.

Olivia slipped her shoes off as they walked along the beach back to the house continuing their casual conversation with the sound of the waves behind them. They paused as they reached the bottom of the stairs that led back up to the house.

"I am really glad you came this weekend Olivia." Rafael said before placing a soft kiss on her check, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." Olivia managed to say as she watched walk off in the direction of his room.

Olivia opened her bedroom door to find Alex sitting on her bed waiting for her. "Details, now" she demanded.

"Hi Alex, how are you?" Olivia replied.

"Don't even try that with me Olivia Margaret Benson, I want to know everything you two talked about and what you plan to do next." Alex insisted.

Olivia shrugged, "We talked about a lot of things, and really nothing at all, it was nice." Olivia told her and Alex couldn't help but smile at unusual tone to Olivia's voice.

"So are you going to see him again?" She asked.

"Well, we are staying in the same house all weekend so I would say, yes." She answered coyly.

"You know what I mean, Liv." She pushed.

"If fact he invited us both to go sailing tomorrow." Olivia told her and raised an eyebrow when Alex laughed out loud.

"Rafael Barba knows all too well that I do not sail, they tried to take me a hundred times when we were in school and I got sick each and every time." She informed her friend. "You are on your own with the Counselor tomorrow, have fun." She said as she walked back to her room.

"Alex," Olivia paused waiting for her friend to turn back and she didn't have to finish her question.

"You can trust him Liv, I had plenty of friends who dated Rafael in college, he never pushed or pressured anyone, he's a good guy." She told her hugging her before walking back to her room.

BarsonBarsonBarson

Olivia and Rafael met in the same place where they said good night shortly before lunch time the next day. Rafael was dressed much the same way he had been the day before when Olivia had first seen him khaki shorts, and polo shorts. After much deliberation Olivia had decided to wear a black swimsuit with a matching cover up.

"Is Alex joining us?" Rafael asked innocently.

Olivia rolled her eyes, "No, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that."

Rafael simply shrugged, "Oh that's right she has a slight aversion to the water." He suddenly remembered with a grin. "I packed us lunch." He said in attempt to change the subject.

Olivia laughed, "Are we planning on being back before the fireworks tonight?"

"Only if you want to be." He said his looking into her eyes to gauge her reaction, then smiling his pleasant smile at her again, "Come on let's go."

Rafael proved to be very good at sailing and they had a pleasant afternoon on the water. Rafael telling her about growing up in the Bronx and how different his life was once he went to Harvard. Olivia told him about the challenges about being a woman in the NYPD.

"How long have you been with SVU?" He asked her at one point and was shocked when she told him ten years, "Do you ever think about asking for a different assignment?"

Olivia nodded, "At some point in almost every case I tell myself, this is the last one, but I know I am good at it and the victims deserve someone who is going to fight for them. Why did you go to the DA's office instead of private practice or corporate law?"

Rafael looked at her for a minute, "It would probably sound good to say justice and dong good, but the truth is at first I saw it as an entry into the political world."

"And now?" She asked him pleasantly surprised at his honesty.

"I'm still deciding, like you I am good at what I do and the victims deserve that, but sometimea I do wonder if there is something else, somewhere that I could have more influence." He explained.

"How many partners have you had?" He asked her/

"Excuse me?" Olivia responded surprised by his question then turning red with embarrassment when she realized what he meant.

"Work partners." He said with a laugh, "But hey if we want to get into that I'm game too." He teased.

"Two" She said half hiding her face still.

"You must be a pretty good partner then." He told her with a grin fully implying the double meaning in his words.

Olivia suddenly recovered, smiled at him sweetly before leaning a little closer and whispering, "I am a great partner."

Rafael was more than willing to play this game with her and he leaned in even closer, "Well maybe one day I will get to find out for myself." He paused for a moment before backing away slightly and adding, "Professionally speaking of course."

Olivia swallowed hard, "Is it time for lunch?" She asked in effort to change the subject.

Rafael smiled at her, "Yes, I think it is."

They arrived back at the shore late in the afternoon Rafael held his hand out to Olivia to help her down from the boat, then resting it on her hip as she stood in front of him in her bare feet slightly shorter than him.

"I had a really nice time today Olivia, thank you for coming with me." He told her as his free hand brushed her windswept hair from her face.

"I did too, it was one of the nicest days I have had in a long time." She told him suddenly unable to make eye contact with him until she felt him tilt her chin up his green eyes searching her face.

"Olivia…" He said in almost a question smiling when he saw the slight nod of her head before he gently pressed his lips against hers, pressing them a little more firmly when he felt her hand move to the side of his face.

They pulled apart and smiled at each other for a minute before Rafael spoke up. "We should probably get changed before dinner and fireworks."

Olivia nodded in agreement and with her sandals in one hand she slipped her fingers through his as they walked back to the house. She stopped short of the steps when she felt him pull on her hand he pulled her closer and kissed her again this time a little longer.

"See you back here in a little while?" He asked half afraid she would run away.

"I promise." She said placing another kiss on his lips.

An hour later she was walking down the stairs in a red sundress that tied around her neck leaving the back open and showing her newly acquired tan from a day in the sun. Rafael was waiting for her at the bottom and he lost his breath when he saw her.

"You look amazing." He told her kissing her check and offering her his arm as they walked towards dinner.

They talked with the other guest throughout the evening occasionally being separated by other people who wanted their attention. They kept their eyes on each other making eye contact frequently from across the room. At one point Rafael spotted Olivia trapped in another dance with someone when he noticed the song from the night before begin.

"Excuse me this is our song." He said politely but firmly waiting for the other man to step aside before taking Olivia's hand.

She smiled at him gratefully, "I thought you had abandoned me."

"Hardly." He said pulling her in closer than he had the night before his hand resting against the bare skin of her back.

The song ended and she pulled back slightly and smiled at him, "You want to go for a walk?" She asked him.

He responded by taking her hand and pulling her though the crowd stopping at the bar long enough to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses. Once they hit the sand Olivia slipped out of her shoes again this time leaving them behind as she and Rafael walked toward the coastline hand in hand the waves splashing against their feet.

"There are some chairs over that way where we could watch the fireworks." He told her as they made their way up the shore. Olivia sat down on one of the lounge chairs first and motioned for him to join her, he sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned her head back against his shoulder closing her eyes when he placed the kiss she had been thinking about since that afternoon on her lips. It did not take long for the kiss to grow as they ran their hands through each other's hair and down their backs. Rafael used all the self-control he had to keep his hands from roaming further. Her bare legs were so inviting but in that dress he knew he should stay away.

"We are going to miss the fireworks." He said breathlessly when he heard the first one explode overhead. Olivia let out a slight giggle as she turned back to rest against him as they watched the colors erupt above them. Drinking the wine Rafael had picked up and leaning in for soft kisses as they watched.

"What happens after this weekend Liv?" He asked her moving her hair away from her neck and placing kisses along it until he reached her mouth finding her lips again.

"Let's talk about that tomorrow." She whispered kissing him harder trying to silence the voices in her head.

After he walked her back to the house and kissed her goodnight though the voices grew too loud. The voices that told her that she would not be enough for him, that he would want more than she could give. The voices that told her that when he learned the truth about her he would be repulsed and not want her. The voices that told her to run and so that's what she did. In the middle of the night she called for a car to drive her back to the city, leaving a note for Alex. The next morning all Rafael had left of her was a pair of red sandals that she had left on the beach the night before.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

How Many Times

Chapter Two

July 11th 2012

"I've got someone" Captain Harris said, "Rafael Barba"

Olivia stopped dead in her tracks she could hear Amanda referencing a case he had just closed. Her head was spinning, this could not be happening.

"I thought he was in Brooklyn." She stammered and Harris told her that he had just requested a lateral to Manhattan. Olivia felt a knot tighten in her stomach as her mind raced searching for a way out, of course there wasn't one, aside from Alex nobody knew that she and Rafael Barba had a past. A past? She couldn't really even call it a past they had a weekend together three years ago.

As they drove to the courthouse Olivia was silent her mind flashing back to three years ago. She remembered the sound of his voice saying her name, the way he held her when they danced, how he looked on the sailboat in the afternoon sun, and yes the way he kissed her that made her forget every kiss that had come before. She had thought about him often over the years, followed his career from a distance wondering often what might have been. When things had ended badly with David Haden earlier in the year her first thought had been of him. She told herself it was proof she had done the right thing that weekend saving them both the future heartbreak.

Rafael patted the defense attorney on the back knowing that he would accept the deal, he closed his briefcase and turned to walk out of the courtroom. Seeing her standing there was like someone had punched him in the stomach. He had imagined it so many times over the years, and knew that it would happen eventually when he transferred but he was still not prepared for the sight of her in front of him. In all of the images he had carried in his mind of her she was dressed in sundresses and swim suits, often barefoot with her red painted toes in the sand. The woman before him was dressed all in black wearing heals that gave her several inches over him, her hair was longer and he could not help but think that she looked tired. He wondered instantly what had happened over the last three years. Then he remembered that morning and he felt the anger wash over him.

 _July 5_ _th_ _2009_

 _Rafael walked to the bottom of the steps to wait for her, they had agreed to go on a quick sail that morning before they both had to head back to the city. He hoped that she would agree to ride back with him. He knew a relationship between an Assistant District Attorney and a NYPD detective would not be easy but he wanted to give it a try. He smiled when he reached the beach and saw her red sandals from the night before sitting there. He smiled remembering the way she had leaned against him when she took them off and the feel of her hand in his as they walked along the beach. He bent down and picked them up as he waited for her, surprised when he saw Alex walking down the stairs._

" _Hey, are you sailing with us this morning?" He asked with a laugh._

" _She's not here Raf, she went back to the city in the night." Alex told him softly, her heart aching for her longtime friend._

" _What happened, was there a case?" He asked praying that was the issue._

" _No, Rafael, there was no case, she got scared and she ran." Alex explained gently_

" _Scared of what?" He asked still trying to make sense of it al._

" _Sacred of you."_

" _What did I do? Alex I promise I didn't do anything, we kissed and made plans to sail today that was it." He pleaded for her to believe him._

 _Alex touched his arm softly, "It wasn't you, it was how she felt about you that's what scared her Raf, that's why she ran, I'm so sorry."_

 _Rafael turned to walk away his heartbreaking in disbelief he stopped when he heard Alex speak again._

" _Liv hasn't had it easy, there are things I know she hasn't told you yet, but you have to believe me Rafael she is worth fighting for, you should fight for her."_

 _He turned back to her shaking his head, "She couldn't even tell me good bye Alex, I don't think there is anything to fight for." He told her before walking away carrying her sandals with him._

Rafael forced his mind back to the present and the people standing in front of him. He felt like he was watching the entire scene from a distance. He heard himself saying some cheesy line about it being take your daughter's to work day. Harris, having no idea he and Olivia already knew each other introduced him to her and the other detective. He didn't hear the other detective's name though because his eyes were already locked with hers and they were shaking hands, and just like that first day by the pool a jolt of electricity passed between them. This time however the jolt felt like putting your hand on a burning coal and he pulled away quickly turning his attention to the other detective.

BarsonBarsonBarson

Rafael dropped his briefcase and suit jacket on the back of his couch when he returned home that evening. He poured himself a glass of scotch and charged into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt so he could get back to unpacking. He hated clutter and until he got everything settled in his new apartment he would not be able to relax. He picked up one of the boxes in the bedroom and began to sort through it quickly realizing that it was a box of keepsakes that had been stored in the top of his closet. Without even looking his hand found them, he took a breath as he slowly pulled the red sandals from the box. He didn't know why he had kept them all of these years, at first he had hoped she would change her mind and call him then after several months he had placed them in the box as he tried to forget about her.

He went back to the living room to his jacket, he reached into the pocket and pulled out her business card, after all these years he had her phone number. He could have tracked her down that weekend, but pride told him that she needed to come back to him, she was the one who had run away. He pulled out his phone though and sent her a text.

 _We need to talk_

 _I know_

 _Where and when?_

 _You can come to my place, I'm home_

She sent him her address and thirty minutes later he was standing outside her door, he had imagined this moment so many times and yet he still didn't know what he was going to say to her. When she opened the door to him she looked more like the woman he had spent the weekend with than the one from earlier that day. She was wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top with her hair pulled up trying to cool off from the July heat, her feet wear bare and they were once again equal in height.

"Hi" She greeted him uneasily moving aside from the door so he could come inside. He didn't say anything but nodded as he glanced around her apartment, setting down a brown grocery bag he had been holding.

"Do you want a drink?" She asked him.

He realized that he was going to actually have to speak to her, "That might help." He said with an uncharacteristic nervous laugh. She moved to the kitchen and returned with two glasses of wine. They both drank in silence for a minute neither of them knowing what to say until she realized she needed to go first.

"I'm sorry Rafael." She told him honestly. "What I did was wrong, you deserved better."

"That's it, after three years, that's all I get?" He asked her.

"What else so you want me to say?" She responded.

He slammed his glass onto the coffee table and stood up. "Nothing, Olivia I don't want you to say anything else, clearly that weekend was an unimportant event for you. I should get back to my apartment I have work to do. I will see you at work."

Olivia felt herself begin to panic she knew she could not let him leave like this.

"Rafael wait" She begged.

"What you don't like having people run off on you?" He asked her coldly and the words felt like a slap across her face.

"Rafael, we are going to have to work together, we have to get through this." She told him fighting back the tears in her eyes praying that he did not see them.

"Work together? Is that it, well that's easy. I am Assistant District Attorney Barba and you are Detective Benson, noting that happened before the courtroom this morning matters. We can just pretend that it never happened." He moved back to her door to leave and motioned to the bag that he had set down.

"Oh, I believe these are yours, goodbye Olivia, I will see Detective Benson tomorrow." He told her before slamming her apartment door.

She stood motionless for several minutes after he left wondering how it had gone so badly. She remembered the bag by the door and went to pick it up. When she removed the red sandals she felt the tears fall from her eyes. He had kept them all of these years. What had she done? She tried to go after him but her legs would not move, she leaned back against the door and slowly sank to the ground pulling her knees to her chest she allowed herself to cry and wonder for the first time if she had thrown away her chance for love.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

How Many Times

Chapter Three

A/N I apologize for the wait between chapters but I this chapter wanted to be written in a very specific way and I was having a hard time finding it. It is was inspired by the Sam Smith song Lay Me Down.

 _Can I lay by your side?_

 _Next to you, you_

 _And make sure you're alright_

 _I'll take care of you_

That first case was hard for so many reasons, the victim was well known for writing a sexually explicit novel, which it turned out she did not write, all but ruining her credibility. It of course was not just the case it was working together and trying to ignore the tension that filled the air every time they found themselves in a room together. Rafael grew to hate the sound of his own last name when it crossed her lips and he could not miss the way she put on another layer of her armor every time he called her "Detective". This is what it had come to their names were unintentional weapons against the other.

He watched her though, often wondering who this woman really was. The woman who walked barefoot on the beach, but was not afraid to go toe to toe with one of the most powerful men on television. When it came to the victim she was a lioness with a cub, both a fearless protector and source of comfort and healing. He knew she would stop at nothing to see justice, and he would be damned if he was the reason they failed. No, failing was not an option, he was not sure if he wanted to prove himself to her or if just could not bear the thought of the pain it would cause her, he just knew he had to do his part.

As the trial drew closer her dreaded the thought of seeing her in the courtroom. Her presence had such an effect on him he worried that he would lose focus, if he could have asked he not to come he would have. Something happened though when he looked back in the courtroom and saw her sitting there, suddenly all of the anger he felt was gone, all the questions left unanswered did not matter, and when he looked into her eyes across the courtroom he saw one thing only, unwavering support. In that moment he knew they would find their way through this. They were partners now and the work before them was more important than the past behind them, he gave her a quick nod and she returned an understanding smile and they silently agreed to move forward.

Moving forward was not always easy, especially when he learned she was dating someone but they managed to find a rhythm in their work. They argued, she pushed, he pulled back, and eventually they found the way together. They learned each other's silent cues and developed their own language that existed in the looks that passed between them. The silence and tension that had once filled the air slowly became replaced by the banter of friendship, then May came and their entire world turned upside down.

"Where were you on your yacht?" She quipped when he came strolling into Captain Cragen's office that Sunday afternoon. It was the first time since that night in her apartment that she had seen him not in a suit and tie and for the briefest of moments she was back on that sailboat with him and for the first time in months she was forced to push back the memory of the feel of his lips on hers.

"Not my yacht" He answered looking straight in her eyes, causing her to bite her lip and look away forcing those memories back where she had left them all of this time. The sight of her in jeans and a white t-shirt that hugged her body and her hair in soft waves was not lost on him, he quickly turned his attention to the case before them, having no idea what it would bring.

He was sitting at his desk pouring over William Lewis's case file for the hundredth time trying to figure out what he had missed. How had he not managed to put this guy away, and who was going to suffer for his ineptness?

"Barba'" He answered his buzzing phone in annoyance.

"What do you mean missing? How the Hell did that happen? Where was Cassidy?" He raged into the phone at Rollins who had called to tell him that Lewis had Olivia. The days that followed were the longest of his life, never had he felt more useless. Relief washed over him when he heard they had found her and she was alive, then he watched in horror the images of her emerging from that house, never in his life had he known rage like what he felt in himself. At Lewis for what he had done, at her department for not checking on her, at Cassidy for being too busy trying to get back into the good graces of the NYPD to make sure she was all right, but mainly at himself for not putting Lewis away.

He waited for hours after they found her knowing the process that she would have to go through. Finally when he could not take it any longer called her.

"Hello" She answered and Barba could hear the hollowness to her voice.

"Olivia I am so sorry, I should have done…" He started but she cut him off.

"It's not your fault." She responded.

Silence hung between then on the phone finally Rafael spoke, "What can I do?" he asked.

"I couldn't go home, so I came to Brian's but he's gone back to work" She paused unable to find the words.

"Text me his address I'm on my way." He told her not waiting for her to finish.

His heart raced as he rang the bell for the fifth time and she didn't answer, he was seconds away from calling Cragen when she finally opened the door. She stood before him cleaned up from her ordeal but with tears streaming down her face, her hair half cut and scissors in her hand.

"He…just…kept…grabbing…my hair." She said between jagged sobs as she stood motionless before him.

He closed the door and silently took the scissors from her shaking hands and placing his free one in hers he walked the hall of Cassidy's apartment until he found the bathroom where her previously long brown hair covered the floor.

"Do you want me to finish it?" He asked he softly placing and on her shoulder and she nodded.

With every clip of the scissors he felt his heart break, when each lock hit the floor it was as if pieces of her were crashing around him. He watched in the mirror as she did not make a sound but the tears rained down her face. When he finished doing his best to keep it straight he gently guided to the bed in the next room leaving her there while he went to sweep away the remains. He returned several minutes later to find her unmoved and he worried she might be in shock. He moved slowly to her kneeling down before her. 

"Is it all right if I take your shoes off?" He asked her softly gently slowly removing them after she nodded yes. "I'm going to pull the covers back and I think you should lay down." His heart broke at the ease of her compliance he would have given anything for her to fight him but she simply laid in the bed her knees pulled up against her. In all the ways that he had imagined her over the years, helpless and broken had never entered his imagination, yet her she was. He watched her helplessly for several minutes before speaking.

"Olivia, can I lay with you? Will you let me hold you?" He whispered waiting several seconds until he saw the slightest nod of her head. He moved around the bed, laid down next her slowly and carefully wrapping his arms around her. The silence of the room was replaced by the echoes of her sobs as her body shook in his arms.

The next morning he made her a strong pot of coffee, some scrambled eggs and toast that he managed to find in Cassidy's kitchen. The plate sat untouched in front of her and he gently placed a hand over hers, "Eat Olivia" he said softly and much like the night before she complied. Rafael felt some relief as color began to return to her face as she ate. She almost smiled at him when she finished her plate.

"Thank you Rafael" She said softly resting her hand back over his.

He lowered his eyes for a moment before looking back at her, "You know if I prosecute Lewis you will have to tell me everything. Olivia, I want nothing more than to personally put this bastard away for the rest of his life, but if you don't want to talk to me about it I will recuse myself."

For the first time he saw a flash of determination in her eyes, "No Rafael, you are who I want to put him away, I trust you."

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand softly, "You know it won't be easy."

It was her turn to offer a slight smile, "It never is with us."

She jumped slightly when she heard the front door close. "It's just Brian," he assured her. Just as they heard the voice from the other room, "Liv, you ok?"

Suddenly she was unable to speak again and looked at Barba who nodded, "We're in here Brian." He answered.

Brian came into the kitchen and looked at them, "Liv your hair" he said carelessly.

"It was bugging me," was all she offered.

Rafael looked between them offering no explanation for his presence. "I need to get to work, we'll need to talk soon." He said gently, he turned his attention to Brian, "Walk me to the door."

Brain looked back at Olivia but then followed the lawyer to the apartment door, "Do not leave her alone again." Barba said fiercely.

"She told me to go to work, what am I supposed to do?" Brain asked defensively.

"Be there for her, just be there, no matter how much she pushes you away," He said before closing the apartment door behind him. He walked down the steps to the street, sat in the backseat of a cab, and allowed his own tears begin to fall, he had almost lost her and truthfully he didn't know if he would ever get her back. No, that wasn't an option, he would do whatever it took to bring her back to help her heal, not matter how many times it broke his heart.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

How Many Times

Chapter Four

The next year was about getting William Lewis in jail and Olivia learning how to heal. She and Brian moved in together but there was a distance between them. He was working undercover again and they went days without seeing each other. Olivia was trying to heal and Brian was not around for most of it, but Rafael was.

They would spend hours going over her testimony, Olivia tried to be completely honest with him but she couldn't and he knew it. The deal that Lewis offered was a horrible one and he did not even want to bring it to her except there was a large part of him that was afraid she would break on the stand and admit that she could have escaped but beat Lewis instead. He found no fault with what she did and a large part of him wished she had just killed him, it would save her the pain of this trial.

They didn't get all the convictions that they hoped for but they got him put away and finally Liv seemed to be able to move on. They had a string of cases involving children which were never easy on any of them. They found themselves at Forlini's one night on their second drink when Rafael asked about Brian.

"Is Brian working tonight?" He asked

"We broke up." Liv admitted taking a drink from her wine.

"I'm sorry Liv, are you ok?" He asked sincerely.

Olivia nodded, "I think Brian and I tried too hard to make something fit. We just want different things"

Rafael nodded, "What do you want Liv?" he asked breaking an unwritten rule between them, that was the kind of question that existed in the personal space they dare not travel.

"I want to go forward, I want to put certain things and people behind me and start to build a life." She told him. "More than anything I want a family, I want to be a mother."

Rafael stared at her in amazement knowing without a doubt she would be an amazing mother, but she misunderstood his silence. "You think I'm crazy right? Brian said there is no way I could do my job and be a mother, that's what an adoption agency told me years ago too. "

"No, Liv, not at all, I think you would be the most amazing mother. Yes, it would be a challenge but I know you could do it, you can do anything." He told her allowing his hand to rest on hers and she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you Rafael, for everything this year I would not be here without you." She said resting her other hand on his knee and she paused before continuing, "you risked a lot for me this year and I think I need to risk being honest with you. I know it is four years too late but I need to tell you why I ran that night."

"Olivia you don't have to do this. We've moved on." He assured her not knowing if he wanted to go back to that time. Of course there was no changing her mind once she decided something.

"No, you deserve to know the truth and I value our relationship too much to leave this out there." She explained, finished her glass of wine, ordered another and told him her story. She told him about her mother, the rape, how despite the fact that she knew her mother loved her she also knew her mother always saw her as a reminder of what had happened to her. She told him about the boy she was engaged to at sixteen, the time her mother attacked her a bottle of vodka, and even the complicated relationship she had with Elliot.

"I felt something for you that weekend, and all I could hear were the voices in my head telling me that if you knew all the truth you would never want me so I did the only thing that I knew how to do, I ran." She said her voice shaking.

"I would have fought for you, if you had given me the chance." He confessed placing a hand on the side of her face.

"I know that now, the irony is now you know every single thing about me, you are still sitting here with me and I still can't have you." She whispered tears falling from her eyes.

He wiped away her tear, "I think we both know this isn't the right time for us Olivia."

She nodded her head in agreement, "If I had only stayed…" she began but he brushed his lips over hers.

"No looking back Liv, we move forward, we keep working, you keep healing and we see what life brings us." He told her.

"How many chances are we going to get, what if we've missed it?" She asked him, "I don't want you to walk out of my life one day."

"I am never walking out of your life Olivia, we are friends and I don't walk away from my friends, and if we are supposed to be more than friends than we will get as many chances as it takes. " He said with a smile. "Come on, I will walk you home."

BarsonBarsonBarson

What came next was the last thing either of them expected to happen. Rafael was wrapping things up in his office late on a Friday afternoon when his phone buzzed and he smiled when he saw her name.

"Hey, are we meeting for a drink?" He asked her.

"No, I can't tonight, but I could use your help with something at home if you have some time." She explained sounding a little frazzled.

"Of course, is everything all right Liv?" He asked

"Yeah, just something unexpected came up I'll see you when you get here." She told him before hanging up.

Thirty minutes later he was standing at her apartment door with a bottle of wine figuring whatever it was wine would help.

He knocked on her door but when she didn't answer he used the key she had given him after Brian moved out. After everything that had happened it was important to her that someone else have a key.

"Liv, everything all right? I brought wine." He called down the hall stopping dead in his tracks when he saw her sitting in on her couch holding a sleeping baby.

"Shhh she whispered." But a giant smile was plastered across her face.

"Liv, what the hell is going on? Is that Baby Boy Doe?" He asked in confusion.

"No, I mean yes, that is who we knew him as but now we know he is Noah Porter, his mother was Ellie Porter." She explained

"The case, I missed when I was out of town, that one?" He asked still not understanding.

"Yes, when I showed up in court today the judge asked me if I was interested in fostering him." She continued, "Then in a year I can adopt him if everything goes right."

Rafael stared at her amazement, "I guess I brought the wrong kind of bottle." He joked earning him an eye roll. "Seriously Liv, I couldn't be happier for you."

"Well hopefully your happiness can translate into helping me put together a crib." She laughed causing the baby in her arms to stir and cry a bit.

"Shhh it's all right Noah. Are you hungry?" She asked

"A little do you want me to order something?" Rafael asked.

"I was talking to the baby, Barba, but now that you mention it yes, food for me would be good too." She laughed again. Barba watched in amazement as she moved through her apartment with the baby on her hip as she opened jars of food and prepared as bottle as if she had been doing it for months. It was the most natural thing to her. She placed Noah in high chair she had somehow acquired and began to feed him.

"So where's this crib I am supposed to put together? I should be able to get it done before dinner gets here." He said confidently.

"Have you ever put a crib together?" She asked him.

"No, but how hard can it be?" he asked her and she raised an eyebrow at him. "Liv I graduated top of my class from Harvard Law, I think I can manage a crib."

An hour later dinner was arriving at her door and Rafael was standing proudly looking at the newly assembled crib. She juggled Noah and the delivery bags, "You want to stop looking at your masterpiece long enough to help?" She teased him.

"Well are you going to put him in it?" He asked.

She bit her lip and looked at it hesitantly, "Are you sure it's safe?"

"Yes, Liv it's safe." He laughed rolling his eyes.

"All right but if my baby gets hurt I'm never forgiving you." She told him.

"Your baby." He said with a smile, "It has a nice ring to it Liv."

"Yes, I think that it does." She agreed placing the full and sleepy baby in his crib.

They spent Olivia's first night as a mother eating Chinese food whispering to each other about what would happen next because they were afraid of waking Noah as he slept peacefully in his new crib in the living room. Olivia took the next eight weeks off for maternity leave as she settled into life with Noah. Rafael made it a habit of checking in on them a couple times a week, bringing dinner over or joining them for a walk to the park. One night after they finished dinner and Olivia had settled Noah down Rafael surprised her with a question.

"What are you doing this weekend? " He asked her.

"Nothing too different than last weekend I suppose, I still have two weeks of maternity leave left." She reminded him.

"Next weekend is Fourth of July, why don't you and Noah come out to Nancy and Anthony's?" He offered.

"Barba, I don't think that's a good idea, I mean first of all what am I going to do with a baby in the Hamptons? She asked deflecting the real reason for her hesitation.

"I am pretty sure that people in the Hamptons have kids Liv. In fact Nancy and Anthony have one now I think she's about two, so they probably already have a lot of the stuff. "

"I can't Barba, not this year." She said gently yet firmly.

Rafael nodded not wanting to push her but there was no hiding the disappointment in his face.

Saturday night Olivia had finally gotten Noah settled in his crib after a long fussy day when she heard a knock at the door. She looked through the whole expecting to see the delivery person with her pizza. Instead she saw Rafael holding her pizza dressed still in his sailing attire.

"You're eating pizza on Fourth of July?" He asked when she opened the door.

"What are you doing here? And yes because Noah just now is asleep for the first time all day." She explained.

"The sailing was lousy and I here you can see pretty good fireworks from here." He told her setting the pizza on the table just as Noah began to cry.

Olivia sighed and went to pick him up and Rafael put a hand on her shoulder, "You eat, I've got him." She ate a slice of pizza while he walked the fussy baby back and forth across the living room.

"He has an ear infection" She explained and Rafael frowned.

"I'm sorry you don't feel good Amigo." He told Noah as he continued to walk and bounce him. After several minutes he stopped crying and he looked over at Olivia only to see her asleep on the couch. He carefully settled himself and Noah in the rocking chair as he watched the fireworks from the window of Olivia's apartment.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

How Many Times

Chapter 5

If the previous year had been about healing the following year was about change and growth. Olivia was learning how to be a mother, a sergeant and the leader of SVU. Her life had never been more complicated nor more fulfilling. The presence of Noah signaled another change for her and Rafael it was unspoken but they both knew that anything beyond friendship for them was once again put to the side. The priority was Noah and silently Rafael committed himself to making sure nothing got in the way of Olivia and Noah being a family.

There were so many threats along the way, after the case with Little Tino when Noah's life was put in danger. Noah's asthma and then then when he was in the hospital with the measles. It was evident to everyone he went after that mother because Noah was suffering but he didn't care.

The biggest challenge came that winter though when Olivia called him early Monday morning. His grandmother had been in the hospital and they hadn't talked in several days. He could hear in her voice something was wrong as soon as he answered the phone.

"You all right?" He asked her

"Something has come up and I need to talk to you, I know you are busy with your grandmother but do you have some time? I don't want to talk at work." She explained.

"I'm on way." He told her

"Nobody has to know, I meant it Liv, nobody ever." He assured her again after she told him about the DNA results.

"But is it the right thing, Barba, I want to do the right thing." She said fighting back the tears in his eyes.

"Listen to me Liv, the right thing is making sure Johnny D never gets anywhere near Noah and that you get to legally adopt him, whatever it takes to make that happen is the right thing." He did his best to assure her.

Of course she didn't listen to him, she was so damn stubborn in her commitment to openness. It had been a long time since he had been that angry with her but when she told him she had listed Johnny D as Noah's biological father he almost lost it. How could she be so foolish? They had never fought like that fought about that. 

"You know I don't need your permission to make this deal Liv. I could have done it without ever talking to you about it. Ultimately, it's my decision but I am begging you to agree to it ." He tried again in her apartment later that day.

"No, it's wrong and you know it is Barba. I can't believe we are even having this conversation. " She yelled at him.

"Wrong for who? It's not wrong for Noah, it's too late for some of those girls Liv, but it's not too late for Noah. Are you really willing to risk losing him or forcing him to have contact with a psychopath for his entire childhood all because of your moral code? Olivia where is your priority?" He yelled back.

Olivia stared at him a mixture of hurt and anger rising up inside of her, "How dare you question my commitment to my son. I think it's time for you to go Rafael, know if you make this deal we are through I will request a new ADA."

"Liv, I'm sorry I didn't mean that, I just want to protect you and Noah both and you aren't letting me do that and I honestly think you are wrong." He said tears forming in his eyes. "Please let me help you."

Olivia took his hand her own tears falling, "Rafael, you are the best man I know and I know you want to help me and Noah but we both know we have to do this the right way. We have to have faith that it will work out. Please I need you with me on this."

Without thinking he closed the reaming space between them and wiped her tears away with his free hand and pulled her into a tight hug running his hand through her hair that has finally growing back out. 

"I won't make the deal." He whispered kissing the top of her head. "We will get through this together." He pulled back from her to look and see if she was still crying and her brown eyes were staring back at him and he allowed himself to be drawn into them for the first time in a long time. The next thing he knew their lips were together and the emotions of the fight and the fear were now being poured out in a breathtaking kiss that neither of them could control.

They jumped apart when they heard keys in the door indicating Lucy and Noah were home from the park.

"I'm sorry Liv, I know that's not what you need right now." He whispered before they came in.

She shook her head and gave his hand a squeeze, "It was both of us Rafael, but no not right now."

Olivia turned to take Noah from Lucy and told the younger woman good night as Rafael began to gather his things.

"Are you leaving?" She asked not attempting to hide the disappointment in her voice.

He stepped back to her placed a hand on Noah's back, "I think I should, I need to finish my opening argument."

Olivia nodded her eyes still filled with emotion, "Are we all right?"

He pulled her and Noah into a hug, "We are fine, and we are all going to be fine." He assured her placing another kiss on her head before leaving.

BarsonBarsonBarson

"You did it Liv." Rafael said with a smile as he placed the last of the dishes in her sink after the other guest left the adoption party.

Olivia smiled back at him, "I could not have done it without you Rafael."

"I know how you can thank me." He said with a grin to which Olivia raised an eyebrow causing him to laugh out loud.

"Not like that Sargent." He teased. "It's almost Fourth of July." He reminded her.

"Rafael…" She started but he crossed the kitchen and stood in front of her not touching her but only a breath away his green eyes pleading with her, "Please Olivia, I want to spend the weekend with you and Noah, I want Noah to see the ocean, I want to see the wind in your hair as we sail, and to watch you barefoot in the sand."

"OK" was all she said with a slight tremble in her voice, knowing this time she could not run away.

 **July 3** **rd** **2015**

A week later they were pulling into the same driveway she had pulled into with Alex six years before this time with Noah in the back seat and more questions than answers between them. Olivia unbuckled Noah from his car seat while Rafael gathered the first of their bags.

"I think this is going to require more than one trip." He stated as he surveyed the contents of his trunk.

"Kids, require stuff Barba." She told him dryly.

"So, I'm learning." He said handing Noah his favorite blanket.

Nancy was every bit as gracious as Olivia remembered as she showed them back to the same set of rooms she and Alex had used before. Only this time Rafael would be in the adjoining room. After they settled in Rafael knocked on the bathroom door.

"Are you two ready for dinner?" He asked stopping in his tracks at the sight of Olivia in a sundress so much like the ones she had worn before.

"Hungry Raf" Noah offered up from where he was playing on the floor.

"Me too Amigo." He said as he picked up the toddler before walking over to Olivia, "In case I forget to say it later, thank you for coming."

Olivia smiled at him and ran her hand down his arm, "Let's go eat." She did not pull away when she felt his fingers wrap around hers. With Noah in one arm and Olivia's hand in his other hand they made their way to dinner, where Olivia was relieved to see a tent full of families where children were dancing and playing while the adults talked.

Rafael pulled Olivia closer, "See I told you there would be more kids."

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Are you going to gloat all night or make me a mojito?"

He handed Noah to her, placed a quick kiss on her cheek and headed off in the direction of the bar. After dinner Noah was running around playing with the other kids and Olivia was talking to some people when she felt his hands on her shoulders, she found herself leaning back into him, and she felt his breath against her ear.

"They are playing our song." He whispered as he took her hand and led her to the dance floor. Olivia smiled at him as she heard the music start wondering if he had asked them to play it.

So long

I've been looking too hard, I've waiting too long

Sometimes I don't know what I will find

I only know it's a matter of time

When you love someone

When you love someone

It feels so right, so warm and true

I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I'm wrong

Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong

This heart of mine has been hurt before

This time I want be sure

He held her close as they danced until she finally pulled back to look at him, "What are we doing Rafael?" She asked softly not moving from his arms.

"Tonight we are dancing, tomorrow we are sailing, and playing on the beach Noah, then watching fireworks." He answered.

"Raf,"She pressed for another answer.

"Are we doing anything you don't want to Olivia? Am I pressuring you? If I am I will stop, but if not then for once I don't want to pretend that there is nothing else between us. How many times do we get this opportunity? "

She answered him by brushing her lips against his, "No pretending."

An hour later he was tapping gently on her bedroom door having changed into a pair of comfortable shorts and a Harvard t shirt.

"Come in" he heard Olivia whisper and he came in quietly shutting the door behind him and stopping when he saw her. She was laying on the bed with Noah curled up asleep next to her wearing only an oversized NYPD t shirt, and a pair of boy short panties.

"God, you are beautiful." He spat out before he realized what he was saying, causing her to blush before he sat down gently on the edge of the bed.

"He had a hard time going to sleep, I think he was a little overstimulated." She said as she ran her fingers through the sleeping child's hair.

"I should let you both get some sleep." He told her before giving her a chaste kiss, "I will see you in the morning." He stood to leave and was about half way to the door when he heard her say his name.

"Raf," She said hesitantly.

"Yes?" He answered

"You could stay with us." She almost whispered.

Rafael swallowed hard knowing they were walking right up to a line they could not cross without changing everything, but there was no way he was turning down her offer. He walked back the bed and settled himself on the other side of Noah, reaching across and taking her hand. They laid there for hours whispering into the dark until they both fell asleep with Noah between them.

TBC

'


	6. Chapter 6

How Many Times

Chapter Six

Olivia felt the sun shining across her face and she reached across the bed to find it empty, she laid there another minute taking in the scent of the sheets that was a mixture of Noah's baby shampoo and Rafael's cologne. She could hear whispered voices from the next room. Well, Rafael's was whispering and Noah's was attempting his best almost two year old whisper.

"O's Rafi, mas O's" She heard her son saying as she stopped for a minute to listen to them.

"Mas, O's por favor" She heard Rafael add gently

"Mas O's por favor" Noah repeated holding his bowl out.

"Si, Noah, buen trabajo ( _good job_ )" Rafael told him as he poured more Cheerios into his bowl.

"Spanish lessons with breakfast?" She asked with a smile.

"Mamma!" Noah said happily jumping up and running to her.

She scooped him up and kissed him, "Good morning, My Love, did Rafi get you O's?"

"Si!" He answered and wiggled to get back to his breakfast.

"Thank you for getting up with him." She said smiling at Rafael.

"I can see that he and I are both early birds." Rafael laughed. "There's coffee" He said motioning carafe on the table in front of him.

"I should probably put some clothes on." She said suddenly remembering she was standing before him in nothing but her t-shirt and panties.

"Or you could just come sit and have coffee with me." Rafael replied not attempting to hide his admiration for how she was currently dressed.

Olivia hesitated for a minute, it was one thing to be in a dimly lit room with him at night, but here in the early morning sunlight he could see so much more of her, parts he hadn't seen, parts sense Lewis she kept covered. She looked back at him and the soft smile across his lips and the desire in his eyes.

"Olivia, it's ok, come sit with me." He said gently as if he was reading her thoughts.

She walked across the room to him and took the coffee he offered her. He leaned back against the arm of the couch gently puling her back against himself. They sat there watching Noah drinking their coffee with Rafael running his fingers through her hair.

"Is this all right? Is it bothering you?" He asked her softly remembering that night he had helped her cut her hair.

She learned up and kissed him, "No, it feels good."

They spent the morning on the beach with Noah and after lunch Rafael talked Olivia into letting the family's nanny keep an eye on Noah while he napped so they could go sailing. The afternoon on the boat was a perfect as the one that both remembered from six years earlier.

"How old do you think Noah has to be before I can teach him to sail?" Rafael asked as they were docking the boat.

Olivia laughed, "We should probably teach him how to swim first."

Rafael came around to help her down from the dock dropping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer than he had allowed himself all day and smiled at her, "You said we."

Olivia became flustered and began to stammer, "I just meant…" but she was silenced by his lips on hers. It wasn't one of the soft flirty kisses they had over the weekend, and it wasn't the emotionally charged kiss they had shared in her apartments after their fight a few months ago. No this kiss has the depth and desire of a man that had been waiting for something for longer than anyone would have expected. Olivia let out a soft moan when he slowly released her from it.

"We, us, together, I like those words Olivia, especially when used in reference to events happening in the future. I love you Olivia and I want a future together with you and Noah. " He told her before kissing her again.

"What do you want Olivia?" He asked her his heart racing unsure of her answer.

She looked down at the sand between her toes and back up at his face that showed so much love, she placed a hand on his chest, "I want just a little more time." She whispered.

"Olivia…" He said fear forming inside of him about what might come next.

She kissed him softly, "Don't worry Rafael, I'm not going to run." She assured him before returning to her room.

Olivia returned to her room where Noah was playing with the Nanny.

"Mamma, where Rafi?" He asked looking past her.

"We'll see him soon." She said picking him up and giving him a kiss.

Olivia paced the room for a while trying to sort through her thoughts but all of her thoughts were of Rafael. She could see his smile, feel the ever present touch of his hand on her back, she remembered the way he had stood by her through the worst days of her life, then she remembered him playing with Noah and the way he looked at her this morning. She took a breath picked up her phone and sent him a text.

 _Bottom of the stairs one hour_

An hour later Rafael was waiting nervously at the bottom of the steps, still unsure of what she was thinking or feeling. When she appeared on the steps though he was completely blown away by sight of her in that same red sundress and the sandals he had held onto for all of those years. It was as if the six years hadn't passed only this time she was carrying her son, which made her even more beautiful.

"I'm not the same woman I was the last time I wore this dress." She told him when she reached the bottom of the stairs, "That woman had nothing to lose because she was too scared to try anything. Today I have so much, but I am more scared of what I might miss out on if I don't try. I love you Rafael, I have for six years no matter how many times I have fought against it, it's is always there. We, us, together, the future, that's what I want the most." He pulled her into a kiss until her heard Noah begin to giggle.

"Raffil kiss Mamma" the boy said.

Rafael took Noah into his arms, "That's right Amigo, Rafi plans to kiss Mamma a lot."

They were sitting at the table at dinner with Rafael's hand drawing circles on Olivia's leg under the table

when Noah began to get fussy.

"I'm not sure he's going to make it to the fireworks," Olivia said.

Rafael leaned over with a smile, "How about we go put him to bed and watch the fireworks from my room ?" Olivia smiled and took his hand as they gathered Noah and left for their suite, Rafael stopping by the bar once again for a bottle of wine.

Noah's day of fun on the beach had him worn out and Olivia had him asleep in his pack and play in a matter of minutes. She took a breath before walking back into Rafael's room where she found him out on the balcony, she slid up behind and wrapped her arms around him.

"Hi, Little Man asleep?" He asked as turned to face immediately drawing her in for a long kiss.

"Yes, he passed out." She said as she walked to the railing and looked out into the dark and listened to the waves below. Rafael wrapped his arms around her, scooted her hair from her shoulder and began trailing kisses from her bare shoulder up her neck. He felt her stiffen a little and stopped.

"What's wrong?" He asked softly.

"Nothing" She said turning around wrapping her arms around her neck and kissing him, but Rafael knew better. He slowly pulled back and took her arms from around his neck holding her hands in his.

"Olivia, what's wrong?" He asked again.

Olivia dropped her head not wanting to look at him, "It's just there hasn't been a lot of this since…" her voice trailed off.

Rafael titled her head up slowly so he could see her eyes, "Since Lewis?" he asked sighing when she nodded.

"Other than Brian there hasn't been anyone, and well this or the lack of this probably part of what came between us. I always did my best to forget everything but sometimes I couldn't" She confessed.

"Olivia, I love you and nothing has to happen yet, I'm not rushing you." He told her kissing her hand.

Olivia shook her head and kissed his hand in return, "Rafael, I love you and I trust you completely, I have learned I will never forget what Lewis put me through, but I am not letting him take anything else from me. I want you to make love you to make love to me, tonight."

Rafael's eyes shimmered as he looked at her, "Promise me you won't try and hide it from me, you never have hide what you are feeling from me. I want all of you the strong and brave parts and the scared and sad parts, I want it all."

"I promise." She said before sliding her arms back around his neck and kissing him. Rafael pulled back and wrapped an arm behind her legs and the other around her shoulders, picking her up and carrying her back into the bedroom.

"We're going to miss the fireworks." She said with a giggle.

"No, we're not." He assured her with a fiery kiss as he managed to untie the strap of her dress letting it fall to the floor as he settled her on the bed. He took his time exploring every inch of her body with his hands, with his mouth, making up for the years of waiting, until he heard her whimper his name.

"Rafael, now please." Her voice strained with desire. He moved back up her slowly bringing them together until they lay breathless in each other's arms.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

How Many Times

Epilogue

July 4th 2016

Seven years had passed since the first time Rafael had been standing at the bottom of these steps. He would have never guessed seven years ago how his life would change because of the woman that would come down the stairs to him. How many times would his heart break because of her? How many times would she turn his life completely upside down? How many times would their stubborn natures do battle? How many times would his breath be taken away by her strength, compassion and beauty?

"Pappi?" A small voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yes, hijo?" He asked Noah.

"When's Mamma coming?" The boy asked growing impatient in his linen suit that matched Rafael's.

"Any minute Noah…" He started to say something else but then she was standing at the top of the stairs, he heard the music behind him start and once again he was breathless.

The red sundress had been replaced with a sleeveless white sheath dress with the back cut out and a small train, her hair was curled and down, blowing softly with the ocean breeze. She reached the bottom of the stairs and smiled at them both, she bent down and kissed Noah, then she shifted her bouquet of red roses to one hand as she gently leaned on Rafael and removed her red sandals leaving them once again at the bottom of the stairs. She took his arm and Noah walked in front of them proudly carrying the rings. In the end it didn't' matter how long it took them to get here, how many times they had to try again. All that mattered was that they would never stop trying.

The End


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